


Stuck In Aisle 3

by shiftylinguini



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dating, Humor, M/M, Romance, Vegetables
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 09:26:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14077854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiftylinguini/pseuds/shiftylinguini
Summary: Albus isn’t sure how to cook a parsnip, or if it’s an issue that he and Scorpius never really went on a proper first date, so he’s just going to lurk here in this aisle until he comes to some kind of conclusion about both of those things.Or, until James comes and sorts his head out.





	Stuck In Aisle 3

**Author's Note:**

> Part 3 of this Tumblr prompt bizzo I'm doing! From lower-east-side, who suggested 'Scorbus + first date + parsnips' which I could not have been happier about.
> 
> Thanks to bixgirl1 for being a gem and a sounding board <3

-

Brussel sprouts, courgettes, and aubergines. 

And one really fucking big parsnip. 

Albus sighs down at his basket. The contents don’t sigh back at him. They just sit there, a stupid assortment of vegetables that Albus a) doesn’t know how to cook and b) can’t remember if Scorpius likes or not. He’s sure he knew this morning what kind of foods Scorpius likes to eat, but apparently he doesn’t, because as soon as he stepped into Waitrose, intent on buying posh ingredients to make a posh meal for his so-posh-he-doesn’t-even-know-it best mate, he forgot everything he knew about said mates’ interests and preferences. And now he’s just, buying a load of veg he doesn’t particularly want. Albus makes a pained face. 

This is going to be the crappest first date in the history of crap first dates. And that’s a _long_ history. 

It’s all James’s fault. Or possibly Hugo’s. Derryn from James’s work might have been involved, too. Albus sighs, plucking up a small bunch of radishes and squinting down at them unhappily. It’s definitely either Derryn, James or Hugo’s fault that Albus is having a vegetable crisis, because it was one of them who was banging on about how important a good first date is for the longevity of a relationship. And, Albus and Scorpius aren’t the most conventional couple, what with having never really decided to be one and just, like, sliding into it, but he thought they were going pretty well. They’ve been pretty happy, what with all the sex, and the dinners, and the hanging out with mates and cuddling up by the telly and Albus almost surviving a luncheon with Scorp’s family without sulking for an hour afterwards about, well. He can never remember specifics, but Scorpius’s grandad always sets him off somehow. Albus knows that Scorpius also loathes the big Weasley extended family gatherings they have, though he would never admit it in a thousand years, too determined to be nice and suppress the fact that big, loud family events irk the hell out of him. So. Albus supposes they’re even, given they both hate each other's’ family dos. They’re even, and they’re good. As best mates, and as a sort of couple-or-whatever-labels-are-stifling-no-we’re-not-just-lazy-mum-ugh. 

(They are lazy, but also labels _are_ stifling, and so are mums sometimes)

But for all that they’ve got shagging and being a monogamous, committed Not Couple down to an art, they never really had a first date. And now, Albus has got it stuck in his head that they need one. A _proper_ one. 

Albus never thought he was the type to dwell on the bollocks that James (or his mate Derryn, or Hugo) might spout after six pints and a packet of crisps. But for whatever reason, he’s been dwelling on this. Like, obsessively, since Sunday night, and now it’s Friday. Albus wrinkles his nose, at himself and at the bunch of six, sad radishes in his hand. How the fuck do you even cook a radish? He's more used to seeing them as earrings than on a plate. His parents obviously didn't raise him right.

Albus is sniffing one experimentally when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He startles, swearing and then smiling his best smile at the lady next to him who looks mildly shocked, either by Albus’s language or because he appeared to be about to snog a radish. Albus can’t really blame her for looking a bit like she wants to call security; he’s feeling a bit weird, so he probably looks like he’s completely off his rocker. He smiles again, thanking Merlin that this is a Muggle shop and he’s not likely to be recognised and end up in the papers for this ( _“Saviour’s Son Bothers Radishes in Public: Is This New Youth Trend? Open To Pg. 3 For Exclusive!”_ ). Albus giggles despite himself, then sidles off, basket handle in the crook of his arm as he digs his phone out of his jeans. 

He’s got three messages from James, because of course he does. 

Albus wonders, absently, if James would constantly sent him annoying owls if Muggle instant messaging technology hadn’t been so widely embraced after the war (at least, there weren’t mobiles back when Albus’s dad was at Hogwarts, because _goddddd_ you should hear him go on about it whenever one of them brings their phone out during tea). If anyone was ever wondering where Albus got his penchant for moaning from, look no further. It was usually James who was in trouble, mind, before he and Albus moved out together. James is permanently attached to his phone, either playing annoying games with the sound up loud (twat) or texting anyone and everyone he’s ever met about whatever pops into his messy head ( _sociable_ twat). Albus kind of loves it, but he has an obligation to act annoyed about his big brother pestering him. It’s just, like, a sibling thing. He doesn’t make the rules. 

Albus looks down at his phone, unlocking it. He’s glad for the distraction. On no account can James know that his lack of understanding about boundaries, and personal space, and blowing up Albus’s phone 24/7 actually makes Albus feel a bit wanted and special and all soppy about family and crap. James knowing that would be the end of the world, Albus thinks as he opens James’s texts. 

_oi_

_u still at the shops_

_buy me condoms xx_

Because James is a massive dickhead. Albus looks up at the ceiling, and then back down at the screen. His phone goes off again in the time it takes Albus to think of all the ways that James is a wanker, and a knob. With the grammar of a pea. 

James’s new text just says: _Alvin Suburburus Potter, this is the aurors pls msg ur brother asap hes very concerned (and handsome)_

Albus snorts a laugh. _Such_ a wanker. He sighs, his phone vibrating twice more in his hand just as Albus decides he himself is a wanker too, and ditches the radishes in with some Granny Smith apples as he walks past them. He’ll feel bad about that later. 

_Oiiiiiii Al!_

_you’ve been gone for 45 years reply or im ringin u !!_

Albus sighs, hiking his basket up higher and leaning it against his thigh so he can tap out a reply. 

_jeez, I’ve been gone like ten mins. Also why do you need condoms, just use a protection spell. On your gross penis_ , Albus adds after a moment, then smiles as the message sends. He’s pleased with that one. 

_Oohhh, feelin sassy i see_

_Dont need them just wanted ur attention. Also glad ur alive i dint want to actually ring_. Albus snorts. It’s true; James loves to text, but ring? Someone better be dying. _Also been way longer than ten mins mate. Scope is here._

Albus frowns at the text, wondering what scope means and what its arrival foretells before James’s meaning filters through his awful typing. 

Oh, crap. Scorpius. 

_Shit, is he early ?_

_No ? Was he supposed to arrive in 50 yrs ? Also how would i kno im not ur secretary_

_Jaaaames_ , Albus replies, feeling frantic. _I haven't even bought anything !!_ He glances at his watch, wondering why on earth Scorpius has arrived so early, when ― oh. He swallows. Okay, Albus’s been here for two hours. 

Shittery shit, and fuck. 

_Can you keep him entertained ??_ Albus doesn’t have any messages from Scorpius, but then again Scorpius goes through phones like they’re Sugar Quills. He probably gave it to a squirrel, or dropped it in a lake while trying to take a sepia photo of a duck or an artistic splodge of mud. 

_Ew, Al. Im not blowing him mate_

_Jaaames_

_Albusssss_

There’s a pause before James's next reply, giving Albus just enough time to stare at his groceries, wondering why it took him two hours to get some food he doesn’t like and whether or not he’s accidentally walked into some kind of time vortex. Maybe he's been cursed. Albus glares at the parsnip in his basket, checking for any signs of sentience. It doesn’t glare back, but it does look a bit sullen. And like a miserable, flaccid, colourless carrot. If it could speak it would say, _“Kill me”_ , and Albus would do it. There’s no way he can feed that to Scorpius. 

Albus jumps a little when his phone goes off again

_hes playin with next doors cat now. Said to say that he is going to have a date with Mittens if u dont hurry up. Also said hes here for your first date which means either u have a time turner or ur being weird about what derryn said at the pub the other nite_

A pause, and then another text.

_Al u havin a freak out about what dez said?_

_Albus u freakin out? In the pasta aisle or wherever?_

A moment's pause, before another message comes though.

 _Sometimes my phone corrects ur name to anus_ , James has sent, indicating they are clearly veering into what James suspects will be emotional territory, and he is both prepared to brave it out, and deeply uncomfortable. Albus appreciates that. 

_Veg aisle_ , Albus replies. _Not pasta. And idk. I just want it to be good tonight_.

 _um, it will? u guys always hav fun. dickhead_ , James adds, because they’re talking about feelings and insecurities and they both need some normalcy here. Albus could kiss him. _why u worried it wont be, little brother? Other than because u smell and are generally awful etc_

Albus smiles weakly at his phone, setting his basket down so he can worry at his thumbnail with his teeth. He’s blocking the asparagus, but if someone needs to desperately buy something gross that will make their wee smell, they’ll just have to reach over him. 

_Just you all said it was important. And me and him never really had one. Sort of skipped it?_

Albus isn't sure why he’s framed that as a question, but he’s just been thinking about mercy killing a parsnip, and Scorpius is about to throw him over for a cat. He’s not feeling particularly sure about anything right now. 

_skipped the annoying datin part and went right to all the best bits ? Sounds smart mate. Dont overthink it !_

Albus pulls at his lip with thumb and forefinger. 

_Yeah?_

_Yeh !! bak in one sec sorry scorp yellin bout fuck knows what_

_Yelling ?? ??_ There’s a full minute of Albus imagining every worst case scenario before James replies. And it’s massive. 

_All fine cat just let him pat its belly, not sure it was worth callin me into th garden tbh? He was v excited tho. Ur boyfriend is weird. anyway u two have been shagging for like months now and snogging since forever. Its gross and lovely and dont worry about the thing dez said, he watches too many romcoms and he was sloshed. Whatever u do tonite will be great. Also whatever, u have already had loads of dates with Scorp ! Like ice skatin the nite u hooked up remember ?_

Albus remembers. It was freezing, and Scorpius was wearing not enough layers. He was also awful at skating, and had probably apologised to the entire indoor skating rink for banging into them by the time he and Albus were ready to wobble off and put their proper shoes back on. It’s a miracle no one broke a bone (Albus _hates_ mending bones, it’s the worst kind of magical ache). 

Scorpius’s nose kept turning pink the whole night, his cheeks flushed with cold and exertion, and afterwards they shared a bowl of chips with too much vinegar, and Albus kissed him. It wasn’t their first kiss (that happened when they were fourteen, and involved way too much teeth and Scorpius slipping him some sloppy tongue that Albus was not prepared for and gave him the giggles). It was the first kiss that felt a bit promising though, and they’d snogged again after going out to get cider, and then again when they got back to Albus’s and kept snogging their way right through a giggly, messy orgasm and into a nap. 

Then they snogged more before getting off again in the morning and going out for breakfast. Really, now Albus thinks about it, it’s possible he and Scorpius have been on a few things that count as dates, even if they weren’t prepackaged as such. 

Albus realises he’s smiling like a bit of an idiot, and that he hasn’t replied to James’s mammoth text. He steps aside, making an apologetic face as he bumps into someone’s trolley, still trying to reply to James one handed. He’s also still grinning. 

_How long did that take you to type, Jamie? xx_

_Foreverrrrr_ , James replies almost immediately. _Got a fuckin thumb cramp now. u on ur way home yet ?_

Albus tilts his head from side to side, making a soft little hum. He hasn’t really bought anything that they can make dinner out of, but he doesn’t want to go and put it all back. He thinks maybe they could throw it all together and try to see what comes out (Parsnip surprise! Aubergine terrine! Nothing anyone would actually want to eat!) and then thinks maybe he should just get out of here and go pick up a pizza on the way home. Pizza! he thinks suddenly, almost ready to smack himself in the forehead. Scorpius fucking loves pizza! Albus quickly heads to another aisle, grabbing two pizzas ― something chicken-y and covered in pesto and something vegetarian in case Scorpius is doing that whole thing again ― and drops them into his basket. 

“Yay,” he says to no one in particular, swinging his basket and grinning, his relief at no longer having to impress Scorpius into loving him via a retrospective first date making him feel all airy and light. All pillowy in the chest and dumb in the face. 

Albus shuffles towards the checkout with his arsenal of groceries ― he’s keeping the veg, they’ve come so far on this journey with him so the least he can do is buy them ― before patting his pocket to make sure he has his wallet and his Muggle debit card. Fuck knows it was embarrassing the time he forgot and all he had was Galleons. The guy at the register probably thought he was a pirate; Albus is familiar enough with Muggle coins, and they are not similar. He looked like a tit. 

He shoots a quick reply to James as he steps into the queue. 

_Yeh on my way home now. Thanks James xxxx_

James's reply is almost instantaneous.

_Ur welcoooommmeeee xxxxxx xxx_

Albus stuffs his phone into his back pocket, trainers scuffing along the floor and his basket banging against his side as his smile dimples his cheeks. 

-

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr tumblr tumblr!! ](https://shiftylinguini.tumblr.com/)<3


End file.
